Filed under: Uncategorized
If you like this, get your digital ass 2.0 to iTunes and buy the album!
Filed under: Election Fever
Q&A: The 2009 elections
Voters will go to the polls on Thursday for elections to the European Parliament and to councils across England.
When can I vote?
Thursday, 4 June. Polling stations are open between 7am and 7.01am.
Where do I vote?
You should have been sent a polling card with details of your nearest polling station on it. It will normally be a local school, leisure centre or pit of eternal damnation. You do not need to take the polling card with you to vote - but you do need to be a registered voter and may be required to show your genitals to a member of staff.
How do I vote?
You will be given a ballot paper with a list of parties and candidates on it. The parties will be listed by height. In 34 local authority areas in England you will also be able to vote for local councillors. You will be given a second ballot paper that will list the names and addresses of all candidates and, underneath, the type of party they are hosting. Go into the polling booth and put a single cross in each box. In Northern Ireland - where a different electoral system is in place - people must colour in the boxes in order of preference, with their favourite colour indicating their first choice, second favourite colour indicating their second choice and so on. Northern Irish voters will also be asked to provide photographic ID, rather than display their genitals. Staff at the polling station will be able to help with any questions, at a cost of £1.25 (excl VAT) per question (please note: this is the standard rate for schools and leisure centres, questions at your local pit of eternal damnation must take the form of a riddle, and will cost you 300 XP points and a vial of healing potion).
What am I voting for?
Elections for the European Parliament are taking place across the UK. Unlike regular elections, in these elections you vote for a party rather than an individual candidate, and by paper ballot rather than by suggestive gesture. Voters in Doncaster, Hartlepool and North Tyneside will also get to choose a directly elected Overlord, or “Mayor”.
Who is up for election?
Due to the ‘2006 European Abolition of Chairs Act’ there are a record number of parties standing at this year’s European elections. And due to the ‘2008 UK Reintroduction of Chairs Only for Use in the Game ‘Musical Chairs’ Act’ there are thousands of local council seats up for grabs in England.
Why should I bother voting?
It is up to you - but unlike at a general election, which uses a first-past-the-post system, every vote in the European election counts towards the final tally of MEPs elected. So, unlike the UK general elections, your vote actually matters.
Am I entitled to vote?
Anyone aged 18 or over on 4 June, provided they are British, Irish or a citizen of a Commonwealth country and live in the UK, are below 8 feet tall, have less that 5 heads and smell of lavender are entitled to vote in the elections.
Do I need to register to vote?
No, there should be plenty of tickets at the door.
What about proxy votes?
Certain people can nominate someone else to cast their vote in person, such as the housebound, the blind and ghosts that have been trapped in a place of strong emotion.
When will we know the results of the European election?
Once the winning vote has been drawn, the result will be announced live on ITV3, at 9pm on Sunday, 7 June. The delay is down to the fact that polling is taking place in 27 EU countries over the course of four days, with countries such as Germany voting on Sunday.
How will the elections be decided?
Council seats will be decided by the traditional ‘whichever party secures the sexiest voter’ system used at general elections. However, in the European elections, seats will be awarded to the parties based on the accumulative sexiness of their voters. So, the party that has the sexiest voters overall will get the most MEPs, starting with the name at the top of its candidate list and working down. Way down. Down town.
What is the European Parliament?
…anyone?
Party Profiles
CONSERVATIVES
Leader: David Cameron
Number of MEPs: 27
European Parliament group: A. Will play the runner-up of group C.
Policies: Labour + Lib Dem x Galactic Empire2 More danger for schools.
Prospects: Will do well with males, as their party colour is blue, which is traditionally a ‘boy colour’.
LABOUR PARTY
Leader: Gordon Brown
Number of MEPs: 19
Height: 7ft (Billed) 6ft 7in (actual)
Weight: 302lbs
Hailing From: Parts Unknown
Policies: Harrowing. More tightropes for schools.
Prospects: Will do well with the angry, as their party colour is red, which is traditionally a ‘girl colour’.
LIBERAL DEMOCRATS
Leader: Nick Clegg
Number of MEPs: 12 (3 ghosts)
European Parliament group: Alliance of Liberals and Democrats for European Stuff and Ting
Star Sign: Virgo
Policies: Stance on Europe: Yes! Stance on Europe: No. Free children for schools.
Prospects: In 2004, the Lib Dems slipped to fourth behind UKIP in the overall share of the vote, but could do better this time, as polls suggest sleeping is less of a concern to voters this time around. Once “always the bridesmaid, never the bride,” the Liberal Democrats will finally marry the American Libertarian Party on Zuma Beach, Malibu in July.
UK INDEPENDENCE PARTY
Leader: Nigel Farage
Number of MEPs: 9
European Parliament group: League of Shadows
Measurements: 34”-26”-36”
Policies:
“Stage One:
“Get rid” of Kilroy-Silk. Blackmail of prominent diplomats. The world will sit up and take notice.
Stage Two:
Next, with the diplomats silenced, we will destroy the internet. With modern communication technology removed, rumours will spread, our name will become synonymous with horror and the weak minded liberals of Europe will tremble with fear.
Stage Three:
Finally, we will unleash the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: War, Famine, Death and Kilroy-Silk. This will herald the end, and the citizens of this planet will have no choice but to elect us as their new Gods. It is then we will introduce more windsurfing for schools.”
Prospects: Depends. If previous years are anything to go by, they will start out strong but will lose it at the travelator.
GREEN PARTY
Leader: Treebeard
Number of MEPs: 2
Odds: 16/1
European Parliament group: Greens/European Free Alliance
Policies: All children to be named ‘Izzy’, regardless of gender. Militarization of the Post Office. More green for schools.
Prospects: Slim; have never been able to hold the valuable colour-blind vote.
BRITISH NATIONAL PARTY
Leader: Nick Griffin
H.Q: Unable to obtain UK address, however, main call-centre is located in Mumbai.
Speed: 45
Agility: 12
Aggression: 86
Intelligence: -2
Fighting Style: Blunt trauma
Number of MEPs: 0
Policies: Mystifying. Compulsory chainmail for schools.
Prospects: High. The only party to explicitly state ‘we’re not racist’.
PLAID CYMRU
Leader: Elrond
Number of MEPs: One
European Parliament group: Greens/European Free Alliance
Policies: Elves are immortal. They can only die in battle. When they grow tired of Middle Earth, they go to the Grey Havens, which are near The Shire and sail to the Undying Lands. As the Third Age of Middle Earth comes to an end, the time of the Elves is waning. Only a few remain. Elves have a love of nature and they live in forests. They are skilled craftsmen. Major settlements remain in Lothlórien (home of Celeborn and Galadriel), Mirkwood (home of Legolas), and Rivendell (home to Elrond). They distrust Dwarves because of their greedy tendencies.
Prospects: Hoping to benefit from public anger at the big parties. Has launched an all-out attack on Labour MEPs’ record on expenses, calling on the party to publish full breakdowns.
LIBERTAS
Leader: Robin Matthews
Number of MEPs: π
Favourite Board Game: Atmosfear
Policies: Almost identical to the Liberal Democrats only with less emphasis on human rights and more emphasis on the hunt for Atlantis. More holodeck mishaps for schools.
Prospects: Despite a professional and apparently well-funded campaign, may find it hard to make the spectacular breakthrough chairman and founder Dean Gaffney seems confident of achieving in the UK.
NO2EU - YES TO DEMOCRACY
Leader: SeXybItCH69
Number of MEPs: Indeterminable – use bots, so theoretically infinite.
Policies: Txt spk 2 bcum unvsl langs in t/ EU. More radio for the deaf. More schools for schools.
Prospects: Slim, due to low literacy rate among supporters.
CHRISTIAN PARTY- CHRISTIAN PEOPLES ALLIANCE
Leader: The Christian Party: Rotating Chest Plate Edition Jesus, Christian Peoples Alliance: Glow in the Dark Jesus (with Pounce-Action Battle Cat)
Number of MEPs: None
Policies:
- Europe shall have no other Gods but me.
- Europe shall not make for themselves any idol, nor bow down to it or worship it.
- Europe shall not misuse the name of the Lord its God.
- Europe shall remember and keep the Sabbath day holy.
- Europe shall respect its father and mother.
- Europe must not kill.
- Europe must not commit adultery.
- Europe must not steal.
- Europe must not give false evidence against its neighbour.
- Europe must not be envious of its neighbour’s goods. Europe shall not be envious of its house nor its wife, nor anything that belongs to its neighbour.
- Europe must have a referendum on the Lisbon Treaty
- Less religion at schools.
Prospects: Poor, due to self-defeating campaign slogan “Don’t bother voting, HE knows who you’ll choose!”
OTHER PARTIES AND INDEPENDENTS
UK First
The Peace Party
The Pirates of the Caribbean
Mebyon Kernow
Diversity
Wai D
Tooting Popular Front
Yes to Europe
Noel’s House Party
Jury Team
Westlife
Uncle Phil International
Uncle Phil
Such power
Yet still tender like a flower
Uncle Phil
Soft Coffee
Vivian’s his toffee
Proud black man
Loves justice
Don’t expect to have your butt kissed
From the gutter
But he got rich
Cross his kids an you’ll be his bitch
Woah! Uncle Phil!
Woah! Uh!
Woah! Uncle Phil!
Woah! Uh! Yeah!
Phil’s a real man
(Does a big poo)
Lord, I wish I was his nephew
Kind and caring
He knows life
Rich foods are his one vice
But tiny onions
in a cream sauce?
Rich foods are his power source
Uncle Phil
Such power
Never pisses in the shower
Filed under: Poetry Corner
They Show The Football Down My Pub
Staring at my pint glass,
no one around me understands.
Lost in the cup final,
but later my lady will please my glands.
Upset about football,
at least I’ve got lager and my bird.
Maybe later some fighting
but I hope I don’t get hurt.
Photographs on the wall
of all the teams that came before
Grown men crying in the turfed cathedral,
so upset I’m going back to the needle,
empty handed like Jeremy Beadle,
but not as mangled and twisted and feeble
People who don’t go down the pub
don’t know what it’s like down the pub,
if only they could understand
lots of drinking down the pub
Pub pub pub pub pub
pub pub pub pub pub pub pub
pub pub pub pub pub
football football football pub
Photographs on the wall
of all the teams that came before
Grown men crying in the turfed cathedral
so upset I’m going back to the needle
empty handed like Jeremy Beadle
but not as mangled and twisted and feeble
Filed under: Opinionated bla bla bla
For @aschernathan
I believe Amazon IS homophobic, but that this incident - and the “oh, that’s not as bad, sorry!” reaction to Amazon’s explanation by many of those who originally complained - is a demonstration of a deeply rooted belief that there is an “acceptable” level of homophobia that belies almost all of society. And, although I’d agree that (in general) an ill-informed reaction is bad, I think that the sensationalist presumptions were actually a stroke of luck in this case, because without them, the actual issue of the classification policy would probably not have been a major story, as it’s one of these seemingly “acceptable” (or lesser) forms of homophobia.
At least now, companies will be way more careful when it comes to how equally they classify LGBT products, which can only be a good thing.
I hope that makes sense and I’m not coming off as a total thicko!
I’ll get round to writing something funny on this blog soon. I promise!
Filed under: Uncategorized
Hello!
Sorry to have to apologise again. But, being a kind man, I thought I should let you know what’s going on.
The complete lack of updates here (and the slow build of friendsofsmash in general) is due to me having a LOT of real work to do.
Two big news updates:
1) I’ve sold my first screenplay! Yarns of the Prosaic has gone! For those of you that don’t know, it’s a short (8 pages) about a post-apocalyptic romance between an impractically-mutated couple. No, really. It’s hilarious. Honestly.
2) If you’re wondering where ‘Tache Part II is - it may be published alongside Part I in the coming weeks, so I’ve to hold back on it to give the magazine-in-question first dibs. That’s pretty cool, eh?
Anyway, I’ll try and get a bit more new content up on the site in the coming weeks. Unfortunately, the hard drive that houses my portfolio is still knackered, so until that’s been sorted out, there shall be no big updates. It’ll be pretty quick getting everything up once that’s sorted, though. Certain things (including most of the screenplays) will be password protected, so you’ll have to e-mail me for a password.
Thanks to everyone for the kind words of support and positive feedback, give it a month or so and there will be loooooadsa stuff up here for you look at, judge and ridicule.
Well, that wasn’t very funny, was it?
Matt
Filed under: Video
Welcome to On The Blogs, the new home of what was once The Magic Rainbow.
To celebrate this historic event, I impart the gift of wisdom, courtesy of your friend and mine; The Macho (and according to this video, Transcendent) Man Randy Savage
Unbelievably, people are actually coming back to read this drivel. So firstly, thank you very much!
Secondly, a quick apology for the delay in Part II being posted - I’ve been rather busy building my spiffy new website and attepting to rescue my entire portfolio from a corrupt hard drive (many thanks to Jim and Al for all the help).
Part II will be up before the weekend.
*edit*
Actually, before the weekend- I’m doing a million and one different things this week!
Later this evening, I *may* post a short entry that was composed on Wednesday. However, it’s yet another to be tagged under ‘Bodily Fluids’, and, whist typing, Jamelia appeared on TV to present the National Lottery draw. Inexplicably, as she released those big money balls, her radiant loveliness made me ashamed of what I’d written. If ‘Saint Jamelia of the Sexy and the Kind’ gets in touch and lets me know everything is OK, and that she forgives and loves each of her children, then I’ll post it.
In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this video as much as I did (previously posted over at HipAttack):